Wednesday, July 23, 2008
A Man In A Pub
A man in a pub finishes his pint and tells his friends he's been warned from
the wife to get home early.
His friend advises him on how to deal with situations like this to keep both
parties happy. He says "When you get home, tip toe up to the bedroom and
crawl under the duvet from the bottom of the bed and give your wife the
greatest oral sex she's ever had or ever likely to have again.. Once you
have brought her to orgasm there is no way she'll be in a bad mood with you"
The man agrees that this is a great idea that can't go wrong so he orders up
another round of drinks for him and his mates. A couple of hours and several
pints later the man staggers home to find his house in complete darkness. He
eventually unlocks the door, stumbles in and makes his way to the bedroom.
He then takes his friend's advice and slides up the bed from under the
duvet, lifts his wifes nightdress and gets to work. After a good 10 minute
session and some satisfied noises from the top of the bed he decides job
done and nips through to the bathroom to give his face a wash.
When he opens the door he's shocked to find his wife sitting on the bog
having a pee.. "What the fuck are you doing in here!?" he cries... "Quiet"
whispers his wife... "You'll wake your mother up"
A Man In A Pub
A man in a pub finishes his pint and tells his friends he's been warned from
the wife to get home early.
His friend advises him on how to deal with situations like this to keep both
parties happy. He says "When you get home, tip toe up to the bedroom and
crawl under the duvet from the bottom of the bed and give your wife the
greatest oral sex she's ever had or ever likely to have again.. Once you
have brought her to orgasm there is no way she'll be in a bad mood with you"
The man agrees that this is a great idea that can't go wrong so he orders up
another round of drinks for him and his mates. A couple of hours and several
pints later the man staggers home to find his house in complete darkness. He
eventually unlocks the door, stumbles in and makes his way to the bedroom.
He then takes his friend's advice and slides up the bed from under the
duvet, lifts his wifes nightdress and gets to work. After a good 10 minute
session and some satisfied noises from the top of the bed he decides job
done and nips through to the bathro
Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner
peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my
house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the
house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of
shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies,
tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a
box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who bldy gud I fel. I cud fuk a Duk...!
STROKE: Remember
The 1st Three Letters.... S.T.R.
My nurse friend sent this and encouraged me to post it and spread the word.
I agree.
If everyone can remember something this simple, we could save some folks.
Seriously..
Please read:
STROKE IDENTIFICATION:
During a BBQ, a friend stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone
that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) .....she said she had
just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes.
They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food. While she appeared
a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening
Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken
to the hospital - (at 6:00 pm Ingrid passed awa y.) She had suffered a stroke
at the BBQ. Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps
Ingrid would be with us today. Some don't die.... they end up in a helpless,
hopeless condition instead.
It only takes a minute to read this...
A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours
he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke... totally . He said
the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting
the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough.
RECOGNIZING A STROKE
Thank God for the sense to remember the '3' steps, STR . Read
and Learn!
Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately,
the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe
brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke
.
Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple
questions:
S * Ask the individual
to SMILE.
T * Ask the person
to TALK and SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently)
(i.e. It is sunny out today)
R * Ask him or
her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.
If he or she has trouble with
ANY ONE of these tasks,
call 999/911 immediately and describe the
symptoms to the dispatcher.
New Sign of a Stroke -------- Stick out Your Tongue
NOTE: Another 'sign' of a stroke is this: Ask the person to 'stick' out
his tongue.. If the tongue is 'crooked', if it goes to one side or the
other , that
is also an indication of a stroke.
A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to
10 people; you can
bet that at least one life will be saved.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Fishing
A man is on a fishing holiday, just him and his rod and a bit
of peace and quiet. He's been sitting in the same spot every day for
a week, and every day he's seen another man on the other side of the
lake, quietly fishing.
After a week he wanders round to the man to engage in a bit of
angling related banter.
'On fishing holiday are you?' our man enquires.
'Nah, I'm on my honeymoon', says the second man.
'Honeymoon?', says the first geezer,'...shouldn't you be with your
wife making love to her like a frenzied weasel?'
'Can't do that mate,' says the newlywed, '....she's got crabs,
herpes and ripping vaginal lesions'
'That's unfortunate,' replies the fisherman,'.....but can't you go
brown and give it to her up the 'Queen Mum'?'
'No chance,' says the hapless bridegroom,'...she's got anal
chancroids, bleeding haemorrhoids, and a bad case of bacterial dysentery'.
'Sounds nasty,' comments our man,'...but surely she can give you a
blow job?'
'I'd rather not', says the newlywed,'...she's got foot and mouth,
coldsores and her teeth are green and rotting'.
'She sounds horrific,' comments the fisherman,'...why the fuck did
you marry her?
'For the maggots'
Doctors
Man goes' to the Doctors and drops his pants and shows his 3rd stump it's as
small as a jelly bean.
The Doc starts laughing uncontrollably every time he looks he laughs more and
more rolling around on the floor just pointing at it.
The bloke says what's so funny its been swollen for weeks
Why do Chelsea fans whistle whilst on the loo
So they know which end to wipe
Why do Arsenal fans smell
So the blind can hate them as well
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs
Stephen Hawkins in a house fire
And finally the best one (if not the only good one) ……
Have you heard that Nike have made a new running shoe for Lesbians called
Nikes for Dykes’
They have an extra long tongue and you can get them off with one finger
A Point To Ponder
A man was having a coffee in cafe when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 400 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
He inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
'Get in line.'
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Canadians
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the landlord, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.
The landlord, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation
while pouring the beers.
'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and
hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'
Jim agrees.
'Ah, England !' says the landlord. 'Wonderful country... the history, the
beer, the culture...'
'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. ' Hamburgers & Molsons
beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so
arrogant and rude.'
'So why keep going to England ?' asks the landlord.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
Friday, June 13, 2008
Cowboy Congress
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud
towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and
YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly
how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it
to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-Tech
Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,
'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as
the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though
nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you
are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a Herd of sheep. . . .
Now give me back my dog.