Thursday, October 30, 2003
KEEN MASTURBATOR SPIKES OWN DRINK WITH ROHYPNOL SYDNEY,Friday: A man describing himself as a passionate masturbator has admitted that he spiked his own drink with the drug rohypnol in order to have it away with himself. The man told police he deliberately set out to prey on his own company, by slipping the potent sedative pill into his vodka and tonic while he wasn't looking. He said his plan from the outset was to take advantage of himself while his defences were down. "I was really on the hunt for some self-abuse," the man said. "And when I saw this hottie bit of hand leaning on the bar I slipped myself a mickey, and the next thingI know I was taking myself back to my place." Police have described the man as one of several predatory masturbators currently operating in watering holes around the inner city of Sydney. "In fact , it's fair to say that most Sydney barsare full of wankers," a police spokesman said.
Sunday, October 26, 2003
The EEC has just announced an agreement that English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German (the other possibility). As part of negotiations Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in of new rules which would apply to the language and reclassify it as "EuroEnglish". The agreed plan is as follows: In year one the soft 'c' would be replaced by 's'. Sertainly this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be repaced by 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' is replased by 'f'. This will reduse 'fotograf' by 20%. In the 3rd year publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the language is disgrasful and they should eliminat them. By year 4 peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v' (saving more keyboard spas.) During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of letters. After ziz fifz year, vevil hav a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Zen ze drem vil finali kum tru! Ve vil al spik lik Germans!!
Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town. As they left the nightclub, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to. "It's your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Will started crying. Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will?" Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings..."
Saturday, October 25, 2003
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Wow!," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent,thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang on to your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my Willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."Gee," says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the thing is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the shopkeeper an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately." "WHAT?!" the guy exclaims incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over" reported the parrot. "My God!" he says. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..." "WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
SHIPWRECK............................ On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; but how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't getting laid either.
YUK!! Chap and wife in pub. Chap goes to bog and returns to his spouse. "You'll never guess what they've got in there", he says. "Condoms They're all different flavours - banana, strawberry, chocolate - they've even got Pina Colada and whisky flavours!" "Nip back in and get a packet", says she, "and we'll try them out later!" So, they're back home and in bed. "Let's play a game", says the guy. "I'll turn out the lights, put on a condom and you have to guess the flavour". Lights out. "Ok", says his wife, "cheese and onion!" "Wait till I get it on first!"
THE RULES We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! These are what we MEN want to say to all WOMEN! remember it. And don't moan. If you're a Man pass to your partner for a greater understanding. If you're a woman keep it somewhere prominent like on the fridge! -Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down. -Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! -Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. -Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. -Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then your stuck with her. -Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. -Crying is blackmail. -Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! -We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. -Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? -Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. -Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. -A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. -Check your oil! Please. -Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void ! after 7 days. -If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer. -If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. -Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic. -You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. -Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. -Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. -The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends. -ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is. -If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. -We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. -If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. -If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. -When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. -Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, or motor bikes. -You have enough clothes. -You have too many shoes. -No you really do have too many shoes. -It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz. -BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. -I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Friday, October 24, 2003
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out. When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Jim the news he said, "Jim, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but she's dead." Jim replied, "She's not dead, I put her there to dry."
Things I hate about everybody..... 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it i .Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? 5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid £12 to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor. 6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. 8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer? 9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead? 10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots? 11. When your eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting I always eat stuff I hate. 12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need. 13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a Mcchicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks...........Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes, you McWanker. 14. When youre involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'. Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, ''Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f*cking shoes on ."