Thursday, November 20, 2003
Apparently the police raided Michael Jackson's home earlier today. They found: Class A drugs in the kitchen, Class B drugs in the bathroom, and Class 4c in the bedroom.
YOU CAN'T BEAT SARCASM......... English Rugby supporter and his dog are festooned with England jerseys, flags, etc and walk into a bar in Sydney. The barman tells him that pets are not allowed and that he cannot come in. The supporter pleads with the barman to let them in, explaining that their television has broken and they need to see the match. Grudgingly the barman relents. The match kicks off and England gain a penalty 35metres from the Aussie posts. Inevitably Wilkinson converts. The dog goes mad and starts walking up and down on the bar high-fiving the people at the bar. The barman is amazed and says to the England supporter "Hey that's amazing. What does he do when England score a try?". The supporter replies "I don't know I've only had him three years"
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
PROVERBS....................... ............................... A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you................................... Better to be safe than....................Punch a kid bigger than you. Strike while the ..........................Bug is close. Never underestimate the power of..........Termites. You can lead a horse to water but.........how? Don't bite the hand that................. Looks dirty. No news is................................impossible. A miss is as good as a....................Mr. You can't teach an old dog new............maths. If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning. Love all, trust...........................me. The pen is mightier than the..............pigs. An idle mind is...........................The best way to relax. Where there's smoke there's...............pollution. Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents. A penny saved is..........................not much. Two's company, three's....................The Musketeers. Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose. None are so blind as......................Stevie Wonder. Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded. If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries. You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box. When the blind lead the blind.............get out of the way. And the favourite: Better late than..........................pregnant.
Q Whats's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? A Oral sex makes your day but anal sex makes your hole weak.
Saturday, November 15, 2003
"Heaven is having a Japanese wife, a Chinese cook, a British country home and an American salary. Hell, on the other hand, is having a Chinese salary, a British cook, a Japanese house and an American wife.
Paul McCartney has been Christmas shopping in London. He bought Heather a new artificial leg, which he had wrapped, before taking it home and hiding it in a cupboard. However, Heather discovered the present only a couple of days later and unwrapped it. She liked the new leg, but was worried she'd spoiled the surprise of her Christmas present. "Relax", said Paul, "that was just your stocking filler."
Friday, November 14, 2003
In Berlin, after World War II, money was short, supplies were tight, and it seemed like everyone was hungry. At that time, people were telling the tale of a young woman who saw a blind man picking his way through a crowd. The two started to talk. The man asked her for a favour: could she deliver the letter to the address on the envelope? Well, it was on her way home, so she agreed. She started out to deliver the message, when she turned around to see if there was anything else the blind man needed. But she spotted him hurrying through the crowd without his smoked glasses or white cane. She went to the police, who raided the address on the envelope, where they found heaps of human flesh for sale. And what was in the envelope? A note saying "This is the last one I am sending you today."
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
CHAIN LETTER (DO NOT BREAK)..................... INSTRUCTIONS................. Anaesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post. Statistically, among those women, will be at least: 0.5 miss worlds, 2.5 models, 463 wild nymphos, 3,234 good-looking nymphos, 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms and 40,198 bi-sexual women. In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you. DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER................. One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter). While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages. YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS ................ This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can screw her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate........send this letter today to 9 of your best friends. P.S. I don't have 9 friends but you might!!
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
A SHEPHERDS' STORY..... A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location. He then feeds it to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. He then opens the digital photo with Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility inHamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an e-mail to his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 10-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep." "That's right," says the shepherd. "Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his BMW. Then the shepherd says to him, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're an IT consultant." says the shepherd. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that? "No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know F-all about my business." "Now give me back my dog."
Monday, November 03, 2003
GIVING 100% From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: What makes up 100% in life? If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that: While hard work and knowledge will get you close, And, attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Asskissing will put you over the top.