Saturday, December 06, 2003
The following are instructions found in Chinese hotels:
The lift is being fixed for next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
Please leave your values at the front desk.
You are very invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Because of impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
Tenants are not permitted to bring cattle or live fowls.
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
CHICKEN AND EGG................... A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pi***d off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered that question..."
Monday, December 01, 2003
HOMELESS
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by
a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a
couple of pounds
for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten
quid and asked, "If I
give you this money, will you buy some beer with it
instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man
replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the
man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need
everything I can get
just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on green fees at a golf course
instead of food?" the
man asked.
"Are you DAFT!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't
played golf in 20
years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light
district instead of
food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy Quid?!!"
exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my
wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be
furious with you for
doing that?" I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell
pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see
what a man looks like
who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and women.
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man
was
an
Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist,
the fourth was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "Tsquare, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and
promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was
pretty
smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the
kitchen
and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles
of 3
cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said,
"Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge,
took
out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What
can
your cat do?" The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee
Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies,
drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats,
claimed
he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe
working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for
the
rest of the day on sick leave.
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going
home, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on
his case and stayed on it.
After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused
and pointed at him and made him an offer "How would you like it if
you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?"..................
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and
said, "That would suit me just fine!!"..............
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.......................................
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a
little out of the corner of his left eye...........
FERRARI v MOPED A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available; a brand-new Ferrari 550. It costs him £200,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red traffic light. An old man on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car have you got there, son?" The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550 - it cost 200 thou!!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I think I'll stick with my moped!!" Just then, the light changes to green so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 15 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whooooooosssshhhh! Something whips buy him, going much faster!!! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator again and takes the Ferrari up to 200 mph. then, up ahead of him, he sees that its the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. Whhhhooooooosssssshhhh!!! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly, the moped ploughs into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. They skid to a halt. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God!! Is there anything I can do for you?"....................... The old man whispers with his dying breath .................. "Unhook my braces from your wing mirror !!!!"