Saturday, February 28, 2004
What's the formula for a long and happy marriage?
The secret is ever-increasing deafness
Friday, February 27, 2004
WITTLE WABBITS.........................
little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" And
the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy
black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and
says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck!"
:))
Monday, February 16, 2004
This had to be shared!!!!!!!!!!
*****************
"VAGINITIS" QUERIES IN THE FEMINA MAGAZINE ...
----------------------------------------
These letters came in response to an advert in a South African woman's
magazine called Femina. All of the extracts are from people whose
first (or second) language is NOT English and who live a very rural
existence.
*******
Back in 1985, SA Femina Magazine ran an advertisement for Nelex, a
medicine for the treatment of a vaginal infection known as Vaginitis.
The ad prompted hundreds of letters from sufferers countrywide, most of
them from women who were clearly unsure as to what exactly was wrong with
them.
The letters were collected by the advertising agency that created the
Femina ad who swear that every single one of them is genuine.
*******
Herewith extracts from some of the most hilarious:
*******
1. My interesting language is English, so you better send me an
English copy of your vaginitis.
*******
2. Please send me the following symptoms: itching, discharge,
unpleasant smell. I am one of those with a virginal problem. I will be very
grateful if my disease were acceptable.
*******
3. Dear sirs, greetings as patient to you, but I have not got enough
time to express my sickness over this paper. I want to come by myself to confess my sickness to you after I use this Nelex. The trouble is my vaginitis and that I'm so ugly.
*******
4. How can I get vaginal infection? Most chemists cannot help.
*******
5. Is vaginitis normal, or does it occur by mistakes like having sex?
My husband is not happy with the behaviour of my vagina at bedtime.
*******
6. Please send me more information about these vaginal erections. My
symptoms are some of the ones you didn't mention, so please send me
another medicine. Every boyfriend left me and made another girl pregnant,
so maybe you can help me. With modern life of anonymous infection, I
have found your vaginal infection very handy and unavoidable.. I tried
Dettol, Omo (a washing powder) and also pure brandy. All in vain. My problem
is itching, burning pain after intercourse when the weather is cold or foggy.
*******
7. I am a young lady of 1963. Will you please send me more news about
my virginia pains during intercourse, even when I'm not having intercourse
at. I use to have sex eight to ten times a day. Now I am very dry. I went
to the hospital and they told me I have too much sex. Maybe I should move
to Durban for the humidity.
*******
8. I am a girl of 21 years of edge. Can you help me with Virginial
infractions? Last night the virginial infections suddenly attacked me.
What do you want me to do?
*******
9. Please send me Nelex. I am so sick I will even pay for it. My
virginia is wide open, but I only slept with my husband alone, but he says I am
a bitch. I slept with many men. Can you close my virginia for me?
*******
10. I really want a baby, but I don't want to be pregnant. The first time
noticed vaginal infection was in your advert. My vargin is beginning to
irritate me. I scream at it sometimes but it doesn't help. Sometimes my
anus produces an unpleasant smell. Please send my letter back so I can
remember what I have written.
*******
11. Please advertise more so that I can remember that I have an infection.
I stopped having sexual intercourse with my husband, but he hasn't stopped
with me. My problem is I feel itching even when my husband romances me
with his erection. I have never told anyone about my symptoms, now I see
them publicly advertised.
*******
12. I am 42 years old, but the infections started when I was much older
and please reply as soon as it is convenient for me. I have pain during
sex and also during intercourse. My virgin is badly leaking. Does Nelex
work like a cork?
*******
13. When I was 13 I spray my vagina with Airoma room freshener, now I
am 18 and I need your help. Please send any good and large information to my suffering vagina.
*******
14. According to symptoms advertised, I have discovered four of them in
my promised one. She urges me so help me to help her. My new address is
(address supplied) but please send your reply to my old address.Can I get
vaginal infection without prescription?
*******
15. Nelex the effective treatment, is it also effective in Zimbabwe.
My husband does not know where I live, so we never have sex. I have never
had sex, but I have this virginity problem. The bath water must have
infected me, although I swear nobody bathed after me in the same water.
*******
16. I have re-organised my virginia recently. It is easy to know when I
have vaginitis, but how do I know when I do not have vaginitis?
*******
17. How are you at that side or Randburg? I hail to you with my wife's vaginal infection from Zimbabwe but I know that some people order the thing without knowing them of seeing in other words they order them for nothing without using them.
*******
18. I am 20 years old and will be 21 sooner than expected. I cannot tell
my mother about it: she has no vagina. The last time I looked for my
vaginitis I could not find it anywhere.
*******
19. My vagina was discharged recently.
*******
20. My vagina is deceased.
*******
21. I am a doll of 19 and I want to introduce my itchy vagina to you.
I hope you are in a favourable condition for my vaginitis.. I have this
virginity disease. I hope my letter arrives at tea time so you can study
it better. I don't know if the smell really comes from my vagina. My nose cannot reach it properly. But I promise, my body also has some healthy parts.
*******
22. How are you sir? I am very well, but I am also a very sick girl.
Thank you for telling us how to avoid burning and itching virgins.
*******
23. I live very far away, and therefore wander if my letter will reach
you. I am not an ignorant girl, but how can I be sure? Please rescue
my vaginal cavity from attack, sir, and send me this infection quickly.This
Nelex it can help me. I will call my first son Nelex. Also my eyes and
kids are itchy. I better stop looking at them. I air my vagina three times
a day, much to my husband's regret. At today's price of water, I'd rather
use Nelex. I have five of the four symptoms you mentioned.
*******
Be careful there are some strange people out there!
I got forwarded this by a friend. Normally I hate these hoax e-mail
warnings, but this one is for real.
Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.
If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey
and asks you to show him your genitals, DO NOT show him your genitals.
This is a scam; he only wants to see your genitals.
I wish I'd got this e-mail yesterday. I feel so stupid!
MATHS
----------------------------
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
---------------------------
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
----------------------------
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need.
---------------------------
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
--------------------------
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.
--------------------------
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.
-------------------------
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
-------------------------
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
-------------------------
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs
and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
------------------------
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS
YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT.