Thursday, April 29, 2004
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk.
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk .. .
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk ...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero
co-ordination.
I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning
Thursday, April 15, 2004
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?
Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said. Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear. "Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.
"Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said," I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had."
At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt a feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.
The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining, what shall you
have?" Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said,
"I wish you turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man."
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood
a young man with the looks and body that no other man could match. The Fairy Godmother again spoke Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new
life," and with that she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning perfect man she
had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms.
He leaned in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath,.................
"bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"
Friday, April 02, 2004
"Chain Letters"
To all my friends, thanks to you sending me all those chain letters in 2003:
* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.
* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
* I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.
* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.
* I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens they contain may turn me gay.
* I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing other than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.
* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
* I think I'm turning gay because when I go to parties, I don't look at any girl no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. Funny that girl, she's been 7 since 1993...
* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program.
* My Ericcson phone never arrived and neither did the passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.
* But I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking chain that I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the
next 10 seconds, a bird will crap on you today at 7pm.
