Tuesday, June 29, 2004
There were two identical twin brothers by the name of Jones. John was married but Joe, the other brother, was single and the owner of a small dilapidated boat.
It happened that the same day that John's wife died, Joe's boat sank. A kind old lady met Joe on the street and, mistaking him for his brother John, said, "Oh, Mr. Jones, I'm sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible." Joe said, "Well, I'm not a bit sorry. She was rotten from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up; she smelled of old fish even from the first time I got on her. She made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad hole in the front, and a big crack in the back. The hole kept getting bigger every time I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when anyone else used her, she leaked all over the place.
"What finished her, though, was four guys from the other side of town came over looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her and I rented her, but warned them that she wasn't too hot. But they insisted that they would like to give her a try. The result was that the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. The strain was too much for her, she cracked right down the middle."
The old lady fainted.
Friday, June 18, 2004
Man - "Doc, I've got an orange willy"
Doc - "What??"
Man - "My willy, it's turned orange"
Doc - "Umm, I'll have to look that up. It seems it could be a sign of
stress.
Do you suffer from stress?
Man - "Not really"
Doc - "What about stress at work?"
Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I
worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack"
Doc - "That sounds very stressful"
Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great, half the hours, 3 times the salary
and I feel really appreciated"
Doc - "Umm, what about your home life?"
Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts
me down every chance she gets"
Doc - "That sounds stressful"
Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier"
Doc - "Umm, what about your social life?"
Man - "Social life? I don't really have one"
Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"
Man - "Watch porn and eat Nik Naks"
I am passing this on to you because this has definitely worked for me...
Through simple advice I have read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.....the article read:
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished... and before leaving the flat this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how good I feel...
Enjoy the week-end!!
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job,you don't
care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at
the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch
break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as
gross.
