Wednesday, July 28, 2004
http://www.preparingforemergencies.co.uk/
Monday, July 26, 2004
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the
mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away
from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola
and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because
when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all
the books that would occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years.
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never
stop growing.
All polar bears are left handed.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.
Saturday, July 24, 2004
THIS KID WILL GO FAR
This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald’s restaurant in
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and ‘post-it’ notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
AVAILABLE FOR WORK: Of course. That’s why I’m applying.
PREFERRED HOURS:
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UPTO 50lbs?: 50lbs. of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be the winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no, on my breaks, yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald’s restaurant in
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and ‘post-it’ notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
AVAILABLE FOR WORK: Of course. That’s why I’m applying.
PREFERRED HOURS:
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UPTO 50lbs?: 50lbs. of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be the winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no, on my breaks, yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Monday, July 19, 2004
New Lingo for an Old Priest
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish
who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,
"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had
committed adultery would say instead that they had "fallen." This seemed
to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away
at a ripe,old age. A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the
mayor of the town
and seemed very concerned. "Mayor, you have to do something about the
sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep
telling me they've fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one
had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the
priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're
laughing about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!"
This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails. Someone out there
either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (wait till you
see the last one)!
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ' S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I ' M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you
rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!
But isn't that interesting!
Thursday, July 08, 2004
This is an actual extract from a sex education school textbook for girls,
printed in the early 60's in the UK.
When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as
possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired
husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do
for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to
achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to
apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be
shocking.
When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband.
It is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your
commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately
then so be it. In all things be led by your husband's wishes; do
not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband
suggest congress then agree humbly all the while being mindful that a
man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's. When he reaches
his moment of fulfilment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him
and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.
Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and
uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is
likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your
clothing, freshen up and apply your night-time face and hair care
products.
You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the
morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he
awakes.
HERES AN OLD ONE....BUT WHO CARES!!
A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro Cab.. He took off down
the road, pushed it up to 130 and was enjoying the wind blowing through his
(thinning) hair.
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But
when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Police Car
behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it
some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of
thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police
car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's
side.
"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th.
"If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never
heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said,
"Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing
her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."