Tuesday, August 31, 2004
A BLIND MAN
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving
that you are blind that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb.blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight
lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously,Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
TEENAGERS
There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their
teenage daughters. The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's
room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really
shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room
the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was
really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry
about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found
packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a
willy."
FLATTEN
A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mum on top of his
Dad bouncing up and down. The mum sees her son and quickly dismounts.
Worried about what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to
find him.
The son sees his mum and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time." says the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mum, puzzled?
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
her knees and blows it back up again."
SOME MORE OLD BLONDE JOKES
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled
the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are
in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for
a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you!"
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of
someone naming dogs like that?" "HellOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're
watch dogs!"
Friday, August 27, 2004
KIDS
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she
got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and
said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or
looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father
and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the
oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice
it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's
Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small
voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's
dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in
the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow
shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
7 SHADES OF BLOND
1st Shade:
A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment,
and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is
clear'."
2nd Shade:
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
pavement and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror,
and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
She hands it to the second blonde.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
3rd Shade:
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys
a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door,
she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome
with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
4th Shade:
A blonde brags about her knowledge of American state capitals. She proudly
says, "Go ahead; ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy -- 'W'."
5th Shade:
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
6th Shade:
A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she
managed to pry herself from the wreckage
without a scratch. "Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an
accordion that was trampled on by an elephant! Are you OK, ma'am?"
"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed
the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving
along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree
popped up in front of me, so I swerved to the right, and there was another
tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the
right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."
"Uh, madam," the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car,
"There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles, that was your air-freshener
swinging back and forth."
7th Shade:
Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been
robbed. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police
dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling
nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house
with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the
sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her
face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions
stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a
BLIND policeman!"
Friday, August 06, 2004
CHILDRENS SCIENCE EXAM
These are real answers given by children. (Only children could
come up with this, and keep a straight face!)
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
hates a vaccuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O
and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
The husband reluctantly agreed to play in the
couples alternate shot
tournament at his club. He teed off on the first
hole, a par four, and
blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the
fairway.
Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife
"just hit it toward
the green, anywhere around there will be fine."
The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the
woods. Undaunted, the
husband said "that's ok sweetheart" and spent the
full five minutes
looking for the ball. he found it just in time, but
in a horrible
position. he played the shot of his life to get the
ball within two feet
of the hole.
He told his wife to knock the ball in. his wife then proceeded to
knock the ball off the green and into a bunker. still
maintaining composure,
the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the
shot from the
bunker. He took the ball out of the hole and, while
walking off the
green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said,
"honey, that was a
bogey, and that's ok, but I think we can do better
on the next hole."
To which she replied, "listen, don't bitch at me,
only 2 of those 5
shots were mine."
A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years,
but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe
I found the reason for your stuttering". The man asked, "Wha.. wha..
wha..what is my pro.. pro.. problem."
The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your
penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your
stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."
The man was really tired of his stuttering, so he agreed to a transplant.
Several days later the doctor called the man up and informed him that they
have found a suitable donor. The transplant operation was successfully
performed and the man could speak without any stutter.
At first he was happy, but after a while he began to miss his large penis,
and how the girls used to love it. He finally went back to his doctor and
said, "Doctor, I am grateful for the opportunity you have given me to speak
without a stutter, but I miss my old penis. Please find the transplant
donor and tell him that we have to exchange penises back."
The doctor shook his head and replied, "That's im.. im.. im.. impo..
impossible."
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than working on the farm - tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone.
Breakfast has cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock.
This will kill Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shooting - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's head and it doesn't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our bull got their cow pregnant before the Ekka. All yas gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload.
Then ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - its not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve all at once like we do.Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this guy from 5RAR - he's 6 foot 8 and 18 stone and I'm 5 foot six and seven stone, but I fought to the end.