Thursday, December 23, 2004
MODERN OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY
AEROPLANE BLONDE One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black
box'.
AUSSIE KISS Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BEER COAT The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze
cruise at 3am in the morning.
BEER COMPASS The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after
booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you've come from.
BOBFOC Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
BREAKING THE SEAL Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of
drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the
toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
BRITNEY SPEARS Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please"
GOING FOR A McSHIT Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of
buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff
member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is
known as a McShit with Lies.
GREYHOUND A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical
adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the
badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to
show their level of training.
MILLENNIUM DOMES The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive
when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth
seeing.
MONKEY BATH A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo!
Ho! Aa!Aa!Aa!".
MYSTERY BUS The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in
the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive
people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before
you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter
in your bed instead.
NELSON MANDELA Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
PEARL HARBOUR Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl
Harbour" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)
PICASSO BUM A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like
she's got four buttocks.
SALAD DODGER An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SALMON DAY The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only
to get screwed and die.
SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive woman.
TART FUEL Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
TESTICULATING Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
DOCTOR
Jonathan goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem you
see, only you've got to promise not to laugh."
The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly
unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor I've never laughed
at a patient."
"OK then" says Jonathan, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in
his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor.
Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears
from his eyes, "I'm so sorry," he says to Jonathan, "I don't know what came
over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
Jonathan looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."
STONED
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past,
looks up and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"
The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few
joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to get a
drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the
river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the
side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a
monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while
taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle. He
finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.
The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"
The monkey looks down and says, "Fuuuuuuuuuuuck........How much water did
you drink?!"
WOMEN
God created the orgasm so that women can moan even when they are happy!
Friday, December 10, 2004
THE MEANING OF LIFE
A boat docked in a tiny Greek village. An American tourist complimented
the Greek fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it
took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Greek.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the
American. The Greek explained that his small catch was sufficient to
meet his needs and those of his family. The American asked, "But what do
you do with the rest of your time?" "I sleep late, fish a little, play
with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings I go
into the village to see my friends, dance a little, play the bouzouki,
and sing a few songs. I have a full life."
The American interrupted, "I have a MBA from Harvard and I can help you.
You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the
extra fish you catch. With the revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With
the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and
a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly
with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can
then leave this little village and move to Athens, Los Angeles, or even
New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise. "How long
would that take?" asked the Greek. "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,"
replied the American. "And after that?" "Afterwards? That's when it gets
really interesting," answered the American, laughing. When your business
gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?"
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the
coast, sleep late, play with your grandchildren, catch a few fish, take
a siesta with your wife, and spend your evenings singing, dancing and
playing the bouzouki with your friends."
Thursday, December 02, 2004
After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo, (and
he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still
standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your
seat so that we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive
at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone
towork that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
" Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, But the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but
the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio.
I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"