Saturday, January 22, 2005
FERRARI F1 NEWS-FLASH The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity scheme and employ people from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment. Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international Recognition of the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now has an advantage over every team. However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6s econds, and then within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilogram of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower. |
Thursday, January 20, 2005
DON'T LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of
the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful
Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.
Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian
and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs.
Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than
met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you
must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I
doubt it, but I'll send her a e-mail just to be sure." So he sat down and
wrote:
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm
not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains
that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Brian
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying
that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mum"
LESSON OF THE DAY... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Welcome to the Family
True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a
year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way,
my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only
one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger
sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me
and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called
and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone
when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really
want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total
shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom,
and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned.
I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached
the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I
opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my
car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
"The moral of this story is:"
"Always keep your condoms in your car."
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Tips for a stable relationship........
A newly wed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the
town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife,
"Honey, I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar pretty, face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door
to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands
from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do and the only thing that he
could think of saying was,
"Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar...you know...they have
frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
interrupted him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug
out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding
it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said,
"Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors
d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right
back. I promise.
OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and
took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing,
dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...
...
...
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...
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...
...
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...
...
...
...
...
...
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...
...
"LISTEN UP, DICK HEAD! DRINK YOUR F*CKING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN
MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER -F*CKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING
ANYWHERE! GOT IT, BASTARD ??
And they lived happily ever after.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, " Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again.
RANDOM ACTS OF LUNACY.......
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.
He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
Damn I like that one...
Saturday, January 01, 2005
HAPPY NEW YEAR to all!