A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two Chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moved on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lions say "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.
They all board the train.
The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game,
they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.
"Watch and learn," answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram
into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women!!!
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
³Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the' There's no Santa' speech. At 7, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really shag each other, I'll have nothing left to live for."
I’m getting to this a day late but it should be noted that Iranian weblogger Arash Sigarchi yesterday received a 14-year prison sentence. A “revolutionary tribunal” in Gilan, northern Iran found him guilty of espionage and insulting the country’s leaders.
He joins another blogger, Mojtaba Saminejad, who was already serving a prison sentence on similarly trumped-up charges. The Iranian government has so far replied to calls for the bloggers’ freedom with a raised middle finger.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood & parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, Because I f*cking didn't!"
1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.
2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.
4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.
6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley (sadly our ex-National ground), also never mention pitches previously visited.
8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.
11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play on small, un-turfed pitches.
15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.
16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should.
18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.
21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.
22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf.
23. Always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). That said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player.
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
