Monday, March 14, 2005
FARMER JACK
An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket
to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting
and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and grumbled, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
SUPERNATURAL
A professor was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his
audience, he asks:
"How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do
any of you think you've seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one further question. Have any of you
ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Sipho raises his hand. The professor takes off his
glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no
one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up
here and tell us about your experience."
The student replied with a nod and a grin and began to make his way up to
the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So,
Sipho, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Sipho replied, "Eish! From the back I am thinking you say, "Goats!"
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
GREAT REPLIES!!
Snappy Answer #1
A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man
approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his coat
and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker,"
Do these chickens get any bigger?"
He replied, "No, they're dead."
Snappy Answer #3
The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the policeman
said.
The lad replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way
without a ticket.
Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge
ahead". Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets
stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks
around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck?"
The truck driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol."
and finally #5,
THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider
a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your
immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arse bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter.
When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says...
"Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
