Friday, July 29, 2005
A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, Christ! he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I s*agged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my a*se? No she replies, I'm your sons' English Teacher!
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
"sorry, do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you
might be the father of one of my children !
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the Jack Daniels I drink I feel
ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the
brewery and all of their hopes and dreams if I didn't drink this whiskey,
they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say
to myself, "It is better that I drink this Jack and let their dreams come
true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny
Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~
Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So,
let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin
Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.
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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One
afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his
buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest
and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection
is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of
the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest
members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as
the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills
brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you
always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Tree Lovers
Walking through the woods, a man comes upon another man hugging a tree with
his ear firmly against it. He asks, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell
are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of this tree."
"You've gotta be kidding."
"No, not at all! Would you like to give it a try?"
"Well, this is really stupid, but...okay .." So he wraps his arms around
the tree and presses his ear up against it.. The other man immediately
slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewellery, car keys, then
strips him naked and leaves.
Two hours later, another nature lover strolls by, sees this man handcuffed
to the tree naked and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was
regaling his plight, the newcomer is shaking his head in sympathy, circling
him. When the handcuffed man is finished talking, the second man walks
around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says, "This just isn't
your day, is it, Sugar!"
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Mylo-esque rant about celebrity:
http://www.theyoungpunx.com/destroy/
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Japanese Girls
http://www.ad-awards.com/inc/video.swf?id=116
Friday, July 01, 2005
Job Interview
"Heres the first question", the foreman says. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees. " What¹s this" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain?"Tree and tree and tree make 9," the Irishman says.
"Fair enough" says the boss. Here's your second question. Use the same rules but this time make 99. The Irishman stares into space for awhile, and then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go".
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99."
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So its dirty tree, dirty tree and dirty tree. Dat is 99".
The boss is getting worried that he is going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says "All right, last question." "Same rules again, but represent the number 100".
The Irishman stares into space some more then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says "Ere you go. One hundred".
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents one hundred"! The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crapped by each tree".
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred..... So when do I start".