Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Smarties
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating smarties.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned
to answer her, a smartie fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it
out
but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for
assistance,
and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to
hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get
the smartie out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father
blew,
the smartie flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the
young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the
mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he
clever?
What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father
replied,
"From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Businessman faces further bestiality charges
By Les Kennedy
August 19, 2005 - 12:28PM
Police say they intend to lay a further six charges of bestiality against a man arrested last week over the mutilation deaths of 18 rabbits purchased from Sydney pet stores.
Police told Sydney Central Court magistrate Allan Moore today that the fresh charges against Brendan Francis McMahon of Carlisle Street, Tamarama, would be laid in the coming month.
McMahon, 36, was arrested last week and charged with one count of bestiality with a rabbit and 17 counts of aggravated cruelty involving another 17 other rabbits whose carcasses were found dumped in a lane in The Rocks.
Today, McMahon made an unsuccessful application for bail in order to obtain psychiatric treatment.
His barrister, Mr Doug Marr, told the court that McMahon committed the acts while in a drug-induced psychosis brought about from sleep deprivation, which was caused by taking the meta-amphetamine ice.
He said McMahon, originally from New Zealand, was in urgent need of psychiatric treatment and needed to gain access to funds from his business which was "falling apart".
In applying for bail, Mr Marr said McMahon was willing to surrender his passport and would undertake not to go within 50 metres of a pet shop.
However, Mr Moore refused the request, saying he could not grant bail because safety of the community was at issue and he adjourned the matter until September 30.
DPP solicitor Laurie Gray told Mr Moore that police would lay a further six charges under section 79 of the Crimes Act relating to bestiality.
Friday, August 19, 2005
Towel Heads
Recently a warning was given about the use of the above politically
incorrect term. Please note: we all need to be more sensitive in our choice
of words.
I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists who hate our guts, our
religion, our freedom and our way of life in general - and want to kill all
of us for the greater glory of Allah - do not like to be called "Towel
Heads". This is because the item they wear on their heads is not a towel
but actually a small, folded sheet.
Therefore, from this point forward you should only refer to them as "Little
Sheet Heads."
Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
THE NEW POPE
The new Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church.".
"This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million quid.
The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera.
He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera.
"That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?"
"Two million quid" replied the Pope.
"TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper.............
"They must have seen you coming!"
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Down on the Farm
On the farm lived a chicken and a donkey, both of whom loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing when the donkey fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee hawed' for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3
silver BMW. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken started the beautiful motor car and the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the donkey was
surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward
and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the donkey!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, would you believe, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the donkey to save his life!
The donkey thought for a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the donkey pulled him up and out, saving his life.
And the moral of the story?
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When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up a chick.