Saturday, December 31, 2005
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Chinese Begger
Friday, December 23, 2005
Glaswegian Advent Calender
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
A Little Christmas Cheer
Three men die on Christmas Eve and are met by St Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," says Saint Peter, "You must each possess
something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man goes through his pockets and pulls out a lighter, flicks it
on, saying, "It represents a candle." "You may pass through the pearly
gates," says St Peter.
The second man pulls out a set of keys, shakes them and says, "They're
bells." St Peter lets him pass.
The third man looks desperate and finally pulls a g-string from his pocket.
St. Peter looks quizzical and asks, "Just how do those symbolise
Christmas?"
The man replies, "They're Carols."
Saturday, December 17, 2005
This one is already circulating but its funny so I thought Id still post it ..
Penis Study
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis
was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded
that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more
pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study.
After $250,000.00 and three years of research, they concluded that the
reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more
pleasure during sex.
Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own research.
After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46 plus two cases of beer, they
concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him
in the forehead.
Monday, December 12, 2005
What is the Moral of the Story
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by
Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he
could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure
out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be
killed. The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would
perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed
an impossible query.
Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's
proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom
and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests,
the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one
could give him a satisfactory answer.
What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she
would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous
throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day
of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the
witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her
price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had
only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises... He
had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his
friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon
learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was
too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of
the Round Table.
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's
question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her
own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth
and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring
monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief
and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old
witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched
and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached:
Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a
sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him!
Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that
since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time
she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be
her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament: During
the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the
privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day
a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate
moments?
What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until
you've made your own choice.
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon
hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY,
UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH
The Chav Nativity
There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)
She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He
does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.
One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?' Gabriel
just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally gobsmacked.
She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no happa-slapper. I
never bin wiv no one!'
So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is
largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that. She's
like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well
blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.' Mary
goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'
Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn
Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop yeah? To have
her bay-bee an' that. But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an'
Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs
an' sheep an' that.
Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their
heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from
the East End. Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this
Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?'
It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got
another message from this Lord geezer. He's like 'The police is comin an'
they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes
'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'.
Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.' So they
go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an'
that.
Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into
Stella.
AMEN
Friday, December 09, 2005
Going Underground
http://www.backingblair.co.uk/london_underground/
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Cowboys
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favourite sex
positions.
One says "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I
have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "What is it?".
"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend on all fours, mount her from
behind, and reach around and cup her breasts in your hands. Then you
whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's," and then see
if you can hold on for 8 seconds....."
Divorce
A Married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I
know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases
her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and
she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and
slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards
and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and
smiles.
"The airbag.