Friday, May 26, 2006
In Honour of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)...
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
****Blessed are the cracked: for it is they who let in the light*****
Extremely important advice and recommendations to be passed on to wives, girlfriends, fiancés, mothers, sisters, daughters, etc. (to all women in general) These rules are to be communicated prior to the World Cup in June/July this year... LIST OF RULES Thank you for your co-operation. Regards, Men of the World
New Boots
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he
buys them, and wears them home walking proudly. He walks into the house and
says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for the cowboy boots. Again, he asks,
a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today,
it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S
HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray."
Landing Time
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight
attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food
and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that
he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you
could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic
looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those
big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can
pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,
sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
"Tray-up, Bitch."
Another Day in Africa!
These are actual news excerpts from various national newspapers
!!!
The Cape Times (Cape Town)
"I have promised to keep his identity confidential,' said Jack
Maxim, a spokeswoman for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg, "but I can
confirm that he is no longer in our employment". "We asked him to clean
the lifts and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why, he
replied; ' Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and
sometimes some of them aren't there.' Eventually, we realised that he
thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned the same two
twelve times. "We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I
understand he is now working for Woolworths."
The Star (Johannesburg)
"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister
Ephraim Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane. "Our nation's
merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's
all." Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the
landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the
Swazimar: "We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a
team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they
failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I
categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this
government. The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice
bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The
right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will
laugh on the other side of his face when my ship comes in."
The Standard (Kenya)
"What is all the fuss about?" Weseka Sambu asked a hastily
convened news conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. "A
technical hitch like this could have happened anywhere in the world. You
people are not patriots.You just want to cause trouble". Sambu, a
spokesman for Kenya Airways, was speaking after the cancellation of a
through flight from Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin: "The forty-two
passengers had boarded the plane ready for take-off, when the pilot
noticed one of the tyres was flat. Kenya Airways did not possess a spare
tyre, and unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty.
A passenger suggested taking the tyre to a petrol station for
inflation, but unluckily the jack had gone missing so we couldn't get
the wheel off. Our engineers tried heroically to re-inflate the tyre
with a bicycle pump, but had no luck, and the pilot even blew into the
valve with his mouth, but he passed out. "When I announced that the
flight had to be abandoned, one of the passengers, Mr Mutu, suddenly
struck me about the face with a life-jacketwhistle and said we were a
national disgrace. I told him he was being ridiculous, and that there
was to be another flight in a fortnight. And, in the meantime, he would
be able to enjoy the scenery around Kisumu, albeit at his own expense."
Women Golfers
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball
into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a
frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release
me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank
you, but I failed to mention that there was a
condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your
husband will get ....... times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she
wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish
will also make your husband the most handsome man that
ever lived, an Adonis whom women will swoon over and
flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I
will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes
only for me."
So, KAZAM!!! - She's the most beautiful Woman in the
world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest
woman in the world. The frog said," That will make
your husband the richest man in the
world by far. And he will be ten times richer than
you. "The woman said, "That's okay, because what's
mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM!!! - She's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and after
careful consideration she answered, "I'd like a mild
heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with
them.
ATTENTION female readers: This is the end of the joke
for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his
wife!!! Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but
think they're really smart. Let them continue to think
that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it
only goes to show that women are nosey and never
listen!!!
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Toilet paper for the mother-in-law
Women waiting for the perfect man!
