Thursday, September 28, 2006
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity,
here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside
down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
==========================
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
===========================
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery
after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could
just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
==========================
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
=======================
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
====================================
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
===========================
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
============================
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
========================
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
==============================
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???....)
==============================
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
==========================
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
==============================
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
===========================
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable
you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
========================
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
===========================
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
The Volks - Brighton
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year
schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos. He gave all the children
the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by
colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all some new honey Polos.
After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the
taste.
"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:
"Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!"
Monday, September 18, 2006
Little Barry
Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
his mother what he wanted:
"Mum, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at
school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved
to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Barry, of course, thought he did.
Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his
behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him
why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God
a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Barry
Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,
so he tore up his letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and
I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Barry
Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started
again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for
my birthday.
Your friend, Barry
Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very
upset.
He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He
looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin
Mary.
He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the
street, into his house, and up to his room.
He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Barry began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN,
SEND THE BLOODY BIKE.
Two Blonde Genies
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three
wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion
surrounded
by
50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore
the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the
floor is covered in $100 bills.
Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are
two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to
the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck
until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two
blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first
wish
having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I
can
also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to
be hung like a black man is beyond me."
Friday, September 15, 2006
Following questions and answers were collated from last year's
GCSE
exams. (16 year olds)
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water
tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun fight.
Sociology
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q. Name a disease cigarettes cause?
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look
likeumbrellas.
Technology
Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Indian wears on his head.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Friday, September 08, 2006
