Sunday, December 24, 2006
Santa is dead!!!
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Christmas Wishes
Friday, December 15, 2006
Solve the Riddle
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having sex with the animal. The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders. They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi. "We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said. Mr Alifi, of Hai Malakal in Upper Nile State, told the Juba Post newspaper that he heard a loud noise around midnight on 13 February and immediately rushed outside to find Mr Tombe with his goat. "When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up." Mr Alifi then called elders to decide how to deal with the case. "They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife," Mr Alifi told the newspaper.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Nativity
There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She¹s a virgin like (wossat then?).
She¹s not married or nuffink, but she¹s got this boyfriend, Joe innit? He
does joinery an¹ that. Mary lives with him in a stable down Nazaref.
One day she meets this bloke called Gabriel. She's like "Ooo ya lookin at?"
Gabriel goes "You got one up the duff you have" Mary¹s totally gob smacked.
She gives it to him large "Stop dissin' me yeah, I ain¹t been wiv no Kappa
Slapper. I ain't been wiv no one!".
So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who¹s six months gone herself. Liz is
largin' it. She¹s filled wiv spirits, Bacardi breezers an¹ that. She sez "I
reckon I¹m well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we gonna
get.". Mary goes "Yeah right!"
Mary and Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponce a donkey, an' go down
Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, Yeah? To
have the baby an that.
Then these geezers turn up, lookin proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads.
They're like Respect baby Jesus an say they¹re wise men from the East End.
Joe goes "if your wise what you doin' wiv this Frankinstien an Myrrh then?
Why dintya jus bring gold, Adidas an Burberry?" Its all about to kick off
when Gabrielle comes back wiv another message from this Lord geezer.
He¹s like the police is comin' an they¹re killin¹ all the babies. You better
nash off to Egypt. Joe goes "you must be monged if you think we are goin'
down there on a mingin' donkey!" Gabrielle sez "suit yerself pal. But its
your look out if yer stay" So they go down to Egypt till they stop killin'
the first born an its safe an' that.
Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an later Jesus turns water
into Stella
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Drinking Buddies
Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly
Larry throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and
tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for
the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're
disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says,
"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had
a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many!
and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me
twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."
B&Q JOB APPLICATION
This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner
submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.
They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But
seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I
wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY: £150,,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style
redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it
notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO
50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do
you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE...7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
READ THE TEXT FIRST !
Please Sponsor Me
I'm going to be taking part in a charity bike ride on 30th January to
raise funds for Mute Tourette's Syndrome. A friend has a 7yr old son that
suffers from this and we are raising funds to pay for a year's therapy.
Mute Tourette's syndrome has long been in the shadow of its more 'famous'
sister-disease, 'Tourette's Syndrome', and although much rarer, is even
more tragic in its consequences. While a child suffering from Tourette's
have difficulty in containing its anger and frustration, a child with Mute
Tourette's suffers a worse fate, and is unable to express their true
feelings.
Just £2.50 will keep a child supplied with crayons and paper for a whole
day. £10.00 will provide them with enough art supplies for a week. I would
be extremely grateful to anyone who feels able to help such a deserving
cause.
Attached is a picture to demonstrate how the donations received so far have
been put to good use. Many Thanks in advance.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
