Friday, June 29, 2007
Which F1 star suspects that's he's been
defrauded by a business partner to the tune of
15 million? He's commissioned a team of
accountants to investigate. Oh well, guess
that would mean selling one of the yachts.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
SIPPING VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
Monday, June 25, 2007
A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue
of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to
buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"
The owner replied: "It's 12 for the rat, and 100 for the story."
The tourist gave the owner his 12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, You
can keep the story."
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but
within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they
were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he Looked
behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they Were
running faster & faster.
By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze Rat far
out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it And
were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said:
"Ah, you've come back for the story then?"
"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim
fundamentalist cleric, a poof, a Man United supporter, and anything
French!"
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Cowboy
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an
elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the
fastest gun in the West.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink
and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing,
you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot
the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw"
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun
in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that
axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the
barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the
piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much .
Parachutes
Upon reaching 73, Marvin's old friend Stu decided to retire. After having
him under foot for a few months, his wife Anne became very agitated with
him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time like joining a
club or getting a hobby.
Old Stu obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home Anne
asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the corner bar
and hung out with the guys". And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club".
"What? Are you nuts? You're 73 years old and you're going to start
parachuting"?
"Yeah, look. I even got a membership card."
"Stu, you need glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club!"
"Oh, great!! Now what am I gonna do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week"
The Rabbi
At the end of the tax year the tax office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the rabbi and said "I notice
you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle dripping?"
Good question, noted the rabbi.
"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers and every now and
then they send us a box of free candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer.
But he went on, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?"
"Ah yes," replied the rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers and every now and
then they send us a free box of bread-wafers."
"I see², replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know it all rabbi.
"Well, rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins
from the circumcisions you perform?!
"Here too we do not waste," answered the rabbi.
"What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and
about once a year they send us a complete dick!!"
Pubs
Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In
Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes
out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will
buy the fifth drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman
there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin
there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll
buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when
you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you
get laid. - All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims.
But he swears every word is true.
"Well," asked the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman "But it did happen to
me sister."
Friday, June 22, 2007
Whether you use ebay or not you've gotta love this...