Thursday, September 20, 2007
Loaded
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a
£10 pound note appears.
"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and
another and another and another, etc.....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest,
how moch was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman
(Wait for it............)
I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Stick up? Aussie burglar prefers sex games to loot
SYDNEY (Reuters) - It was a stick up of a different kind for one Australian burglar, who broke into a neighbour's house and played sex games in the bathroom with a bottle of toilet detergent and a vacuum cleaner.
A court in the northern city of Brisbane heard how 27 year old Jamie Lacey, high on drugs, broke into the house in September 2004, scattering pornographic magazines around the bathroom and making a sex toy from a bottle of detergent, a piece of wood and a rubber glove, the Brisbane Times reported.
Lacey was arrested in December 2006 after police matched his DNA to that on the rubber glove, according to the Australian Associated Press.
A vacuum cleaner was also found in the bathroom, but the judge dismissed a defence submission that there was no proof the vacuum has been used for sexual purposes.
"I'm sure that your client didn't hoover the carpets," the newspaper and AAP quoted judge Tony Rafter as saying.
Lacey was sentenced to 12 months community service, with judge declining to send him to jail since he had held a steady job for two years and was now a father.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Bad Back
At a doctor's surgery one morning a patient arrives complaining of serious
backache. The doctor examines him and asks him, "What the hell did you do
to your back?
"The patient replies, "You know that I am a bouncer at a local night club?
Well, yesterday morning I got home to my flat quite early and heard a noise
in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with my wife as
my wife was lying naked in bed and the balcony door was open. I rushed out
the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony
I saw a man running out of the building and he was dressing himself. I
grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. That's how I strained my back.
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor
says, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell
happened to you? The 2nd patient replies, "You know I have been unemployed
for a while now Doctor? Well yesterday morning was my first day at my new
job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of
the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it
but I was hit by a fridge.
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the two patients did.
The doctor was shocked. Again he asks, "What the hell happened to you?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge ........
Sunday, September 16, 2007
sent to me by allan alvarez
brainwaves.motime.com
VERY ENTELLIGENT BOY
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students, the teacher asked the boy, "What is your problem?"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The Teacher had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office.
While the boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think this boy can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?"
The principal and the boy both agreed.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Boy: after a moment "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets."
Teacher: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Boy: Coconut
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.
Boy: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep!
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense.
Boy: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck
Teacher: What is it that all men have one of, it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME
Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?
Boy: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher:
"SEND THIS BOY TO COLLEGE! I GOT THE LAST TEN QUESTIONS WRONG MYSELF!"
Friday, September 14, 2007
Thursday, September 13, 2007
An Honest Mortician
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body
dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he
is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought
her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a
blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank cheque and says, "I don't
care what it costs, please have my husband in a blue suit for the
viewing."
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband
dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit
fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did You
spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the Blank cheque.
There's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the
cost of that Exquisite blue suit she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought In shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a Black
suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he Looked
nice.
"So I switched the heads."
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Specimen
A mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come
back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asks
her husband, "What is a specimen?"
He replies. "Hell if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse"
The woman goes next door and comes back in about twenty minutes with
her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face
and body. "What in the world happened?" asked her husband.
"Damn if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and
she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go shit in her hat
and then all hell broke loose.
Five Surgeons
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the
operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best,
everything
inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers, those
guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and
when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no
spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable."
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Elecric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to
her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She
heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want
off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons
of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're
going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language
in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there
for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want
you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All
passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all
of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope
your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She
hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you
to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no
smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey
with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Riding The Camel
A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his
orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out the
back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour,
"What's the camel for?" The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way
from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we
have the camel." The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I
guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6
months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant,
"BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel
into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to
have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the
stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the
enlisted men do it?"
The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into
town."