Saturday, January 26, 2008
Train
There's a Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani on a train.
The Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws
the rest off the train and says 'theres plenty more of that where I come
from'.
The others are impressed so the Cuban takes out one of the finest havana
cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says 'theres plenty
more of those where I come from'.
Again everyone is rather impressed so the Englishman stands up and throws
the Pakistani off the train.....
Friday, January 25, 2008
Paddy
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed
someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were
sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'.
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said 'Nope, it
ain't Paddy'.
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to
identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over'.
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,'No, it ain't
Paddy'.
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two arseholes.'
'What,?- he had two arseholes???' said the mortician.
'Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town,
folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Bragging Wives
The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they
are trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two
weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Mercedes,"
and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have
much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I
can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder
to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a
confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation
I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to
Bognor Regis for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he
bought me a second hand Fiesta."
"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number
thirteen has to stand on one leg!"
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Clyde
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's
fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde. 'Didn't you say, at the scene
of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the Lawyer.
Clyde responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the
question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine!'?'
Clyde said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving
down the road....'
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to
the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow,
Bessie'.
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well, as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down
the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie
was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and
didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the
accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning
and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her
fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the
Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said,
'How are you Feeling?'
'Now tell me, what the fuck would you say?'
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Parrot
In reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into
the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and
the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky you bitch." The
stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the
parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely
points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs
his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky you slut." Visibly shaken,
the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for
the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to
try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I
expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly
ugly face of yours!" Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are
wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards.
Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For
someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard... "
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Almost
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I
almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box"
'The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that,
You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
Sheep
A man was on trial for fornicating with a sheep.
The key witness was an old fellow who was walking along the road by the farm
pasture where sheep were grazing.
The prosecutor asked the witness what he saw. "Well, I was walkin' along,
and saw this sheep just'a eatin' grass. And then this fella walks up from
behind the sheep, real quiet-like."
"And then what?" asked the prosecutor.
"Then he unbuckled his belt, and pulled the sheep close."
"And what happened after that?"
"Well," said the witness, "They sorta shook for a couple of minutes and then
the sheep turned around and licked him!"
Just then one of the members of the jury leaned over to the jury member next
to him and said, "You know, all the really good sheep do that."
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Grandad
A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room
and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting
your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank
all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left
without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"
A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still
in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all
his front teeth.
"What happened?", he asked.
"Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris,
went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers,
pissed all over the barman, and he beat the crap out of me!"
"Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?"
"Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?"
"Oh!" replied the grandad. "The Third Panzer Division."
Sausages
"Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to
the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"
"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?"
demanded the Irishman indignantly.
"Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"
Then, warming to his theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot
dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?"
"Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
The assistant said: "Well, no."
"And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?"
"What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well no, I probably wouldn't" conceded the assistant.
The Irishman says: "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish
just because I asked for Irish sausages?"
The assistant replied: "Because you're in fucking Homebase"
Beijing's penis emporium
There are many thousands of Chinese restaurants around in the UK and everyone has their favourite dish, but only in China itself do chefs specialise in a range of slightly more unusual delicacies.
The dish in front of me is grey and shiny.
"Russian dog," says my waitress Nancy.
"Big dog," I reply.
"Yes," she says. "Big dog's penis..."
We are in a cosy restaurant in a dark street in Beijing but my appetite seems to have gone for a stroll outside.
Nancy has brought out a whole selection of delicacies.
They are draped awkwardly across a huge platter, with a crocodile carved out of a carrot as the centrepiece.
Nestling beside the dog's penis are its clammy testicles, and beside that a giant salami-shaped object.
"Donkey," says Nancy. "Good for the skin..."
She guides me round the penis platter.
"Snake. Very potent. They have two penises each."
I did not know that.
Deer-blood cocktail
"Sheep... horse... ox... seal - excellent for the circulation."
She points to three dark, shrivelled lumps which look like liquorice allsorts - a special treat apparently - reindeer, from Manchuria.
The Guolizhuang restaurant claims to be China's only speciality penis emporium, and no, it is not a joke.
The atmosphere is more exotic spa than boozy night-out.
Nancy describes herself as a nutritionist.
"We don't call them waiters here. And we don't serve much alcohol," she says. "Only common people come here to get drunk and laugh."
But she does offer me a deer-blood and vodka cocktail, which I decide to skip.
Medicinal purposes
The restaurant's gristly menu was dreamt up by a man called Mr Guo.
He is 81 now and retired.
After fleeing China's civil war back in 1949, he moved to Taiwan, and then to Atlanta, Georgia, where he began to look deeper into traditional Chinese medicine, and experiment on the appendages of man's best friend.
Apparently, they are low in cholesterol and good, not just for boosting the male sex drive, but for treating all sorts of ailments.
Laughter trickles through the walls of our dining room.
"Government officials," says Nancy. "Two of them upstairs. They're having the penis hotpot."
Most of the restaurant's guests are either wealthy businessmen or government bureaucrats who, as Nancy puts it, have been brought here by people who want their help.
What better way to secure a contract than over a steaming penis fondue.
Discretion is assured as all the tables are in private rooms.
The glitziest one has gold dishes.
"Some like their food served raw," says Nancy, "like sushi. But we can cook it anyway you like."
Rare order
"Not long ago, a particularly rich real estate mogul came in with four friends. All men. Women don't come here so often, and they shouldn't eat testicles," says Nancy solemnly.
The men spent $5,700 (£3,000) on a particularly rare dish, something that needed to be ordered months in advance.
"Tiger penis," says Nancy.
The illegal trade in tiger parts is a big problem in China.
Campaigners say the species is being driven towards extinction because of its popularity as a source of traditional medicine.
I mention this, delicately, to Nancy, but she insists that all her tiger supplies come from animals that have died of old age.
"Anyway, we only have one or two orders a year," she says.
"So what does it taste like?" I ask.
"Oh, the same as all the others," she says blithely.
And does it have any particular potency? "No. People just like to order tiger to show off how much money they have."
Welcome to the People's Republic of China - tigers beware.
Sliced and pickled
"Oh yes," she adds, "the same group also ate an aborted reindeer foetus.
"That is very good for your skin. And here it is..."
Another "nutritionist" walks in bearing something small and red wrapped in cling film.
My appetite is heading for the airport.
Still, I think, it would be rude not to try something.
I am normally OK about this sort of thing. I have had fried cockroaches and sheep's eyes, so...
There is a small bowl of sliced and pickled ox penis on the table.
I pick up a piece with my chopsticks and start to chew. It is cold and bland and rubbery.
Nancy gives me a matronly smile.
"This one," she says, "should be eaten every day."