Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Canadians
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the landlord, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.
The landlord, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation
while pouring the beers.
'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and
hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'
Jim agrees.
'Ah, England !' says the landlord. 'Wonderful country... the history, the
beer, the culture...'
'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. ' Hamburgers & Molsons
beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so
arrogant and rude.'
'So why keep going to England ?' asks the landlord.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
Friday, June 13, 2008
Cowboy Congress
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud
towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and
YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly
how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it
to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-Tech
Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,
'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as
the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though
nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you
are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a Herd of sheep. . . .
Now give me back my dog.
A young lady went to the doctor for a physical. Afterwards, the doctor said,
"You're in perfect health, except for those abrasions on your knees." The
woman said, "Oh, those are carpet burns from having sex doggie-style." The
doctor said, "Don't you know any other positions?" and she said, "Yes, but
my dog doesn't."
Widow
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She
put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened
the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no
arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
Monday, June 09, 2008
Old Flame