Saturday, October 18, 2008
Things You'll Never Hear A Wife Say
I'll swallow it all, I love the taste.
Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
I'm bored, let's shave my pussy!
Shouldn't you be down the pub with your mates?
That fart was great! Do another one!
I've decided to stop wearing clothes in the house.
You're so sexy with a hangover.
I'd rather play Virtua Fighter than go shopping.
Let's start subscribing to Penthouse.
Would you like to see a video of me going down on my girlfriend?
Just for a change, can we try anal sex tonight?
I really like football, can you take me to a game.
You'd better drive. You're far safer than I am and besides, everyone knows
women can't drive.
Actually we shouldn't have been given the vote, we're better off in the
kitchen.
I think a big motorbike is a good idea.
I don't care if my bum looks big in this, let's just go and get pissed.
We haven't gone out with your mates for a while, shall we all go to
Stringfellows.
Why can't you let your hair down and have a few vodka chasers with me.
I know you're already late for work, but can I gag on it just one more time.
Aim where you like, it's really good for my skin
You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring
me.
The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on
Friday.
Microwave food again? Brilliant.
I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
I love hearing stories about your ex-girlfriends. Tell me more.
Let's just leave the toilet seat up all the time; then you won't have to
mess with it anymore.
It's only half time; you should get a few more beers in.
I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
I love when my pillow smells of fags and lager. You passed out before
brushing your teeth again, you big silly.
Let's go shopping so you can check out the womens' arses.
I'll be out painting the house.
I love it when you play football on a Sunday. I just wish you had time to
play on Saturday too.
Our new neighbour's daughter is sunbathing again. Come and look.
I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again.
No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
Let me pay.
Your mother did a great job raising you. She's so much better than mine.
Do me a favour and forget that stupid Valentine's Day thing. Save your money
for buying beer.
I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year.
Oh, not shopping again. Let's go to the new all-day strip club instead.
Look, I make enough money for both of us. Why don't you retire and get that
nagging handicap down to a seven or eight.
Stop getting up for night feedings. You need your sleep.
God, I swear, if I don't get to blow you soon I'm going to burst.
I just signed up for Yoga so I can get my ankles behind my head just for
you.
Johnny
Johnny had a swearing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He
decided to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was
coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him and if
Johnny swore he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift. So two
days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said,
"I want a fucking teddy-bear laying right fucking here beside me when I
fucking wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a
fucking train going around the fucking tree, and when I go outside I want to
see a fucking bike leaning up against the fucking garage."
On Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile
of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit
around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a
huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a
curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did
Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a fucking dog but
I can't find the bastard².
Panties On A Plane
There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the
first time. The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'al , but I'm gunna
wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I get on dat plane.'
'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked? The first replied,
'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a
conefield, dey gonna find me first.'
The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floeesant orange
panties.'
'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked. The second lady answered, 'Cause
if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey
can see me first.'
The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties........ 'What? No
panties?' the others asked in disbelief. The third lady says, 'Dat's right
girlfriends, you hears me right.
I ain't wearing any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always
look for da black box first.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Men do remember anniversaries
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front
of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,
'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee,
'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.
You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so
sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for
20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have been released
today.'
Thursday, October 02, 2008
How The Fight Started
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station..... and that's how the
fight started....
****************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
$14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $7.95. I told
her the beer would make her look better at night than the face
cream....... And that's how the fight started.
****************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was
very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The
woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed
my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my
wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said,
'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'...... And that's how the fight started.....
****************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I
sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right
after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'...... And that's how the fight started.....
****************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how
sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over
to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I
looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'.......
And that's how the fight started.....
***************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He
said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for
herself.'...... And that's how the fight started.....
Mexican Oysters
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming
around in Mexico .
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look
good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you
just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this
morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving
per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come
early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this
delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that
evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After
a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I
saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si,Senor. Sometimes
the bull wins.
